Quote Author: Jack Handey

Jack Handey – ‘We tend to scoff at the beli…

‘We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we cant scoff at them personally to their faces and this is what annoys me.’

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Jack Handey – ‘If a kid asks where rain com…

‘If a kid asks where rain comes from I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying another cute thing to tell him is Probably because of something you … Continue reading →

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Jack Handey – ‘One thing kids like is to be…

‘One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. Oh no I said Disneyland burned down. He cried and … Continue reading →

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Jack Handey – ‘Once while walking through t…

‘Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said Hey hows it going? So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said Now whos asking the questions?’

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Jack Handey – ‘To me its a good idea to alw…

‘To me its a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way if anybody says Hey can you give me a hand? you can say Sorry got these sacks.’

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Jack Handey – ‘Fear can sometimes be a usef…

‘Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance lets say youre an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces wham! you … Continue reading →

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Jack Handey – ‘Maybe in order to understand…

‘Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself: Mankind. Basically its made up of two separate words – mank and ind. What do these words mean? Its a mystery and thats why so is … Continue reading →

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Jack Handey – ‘If they ever come up with a …

‘If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school I think one of the courses should be laughing then jumping off something.’

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Jack Handey – ‘If trees could scream would …

‘If trees could scream would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.’

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Jack Handey – ‘You know what the most terri…

‘You know what the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside of a watch. You dont even care do you.’

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